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Loch Ness, a radio drama by Alan Bissett.

So, let me get this straight. You and your daughter want to report a sighting of the Loch Ness Monster?

That's right.

OK. Why don't you fill out this form, and someone will speak to you, eventually.

How long would that be?

Well, considering a bank was robbed in Inverness today, and a lorry spilled thirteen thousand sponges over the A9, I wouldn't expect you are in the top of the list.

Even if we both just saw a monster?

Do you have any proof of that?

Uh, No.

Look. There's a guy who works in a local chipshop swears he's Elvis. Sign here, please

My daughter and I know what we saw.

Did you see it too, young lady?

Uh, ... yeah. I saw it too, just like dad said.

You don't seem too convinced.

Tell him, Gina.

Well, come on. Did you or didn't you see the Loch Ness Monster?

There are three possible views about the Loch Ness Monster. 1: It is a complete myth. 2: It once existed, but has died out. 3: It's still at large. My dad takes the third view. I was eight when he took me out on a boat for our first great monster hunt.

Gina, did you see that?

Where is it, dad?

Pass me those binoculars. I thought I saw something rise out of the water out there.

Did it look like Nessy?

Uhmm, ... difficult to say, hon. It was quite far away.

May have been a log rising to the surface.

What?

Well, that's what they say some of the pictures are, don't they?

No, Gina. All of the pictures of the Loch Ness Monster, are of the Loch Ness Monster.

Yes, yes, of course.

Ah, well. Whatever it was, it's away back under the surface.

Keep looking.

She's somewhere out there. I just know it.

Dad, it's gonna be so amazing when we find her. We'll be on all the newspapers, and on all the telly channels, and finally everybody in school'll want to talk to me.

Do they not want to talk to you now?

Ehm, ... well, I just don't think they get it. But they won't be saying that when we are the most famous family in Scotland.

Oh, here they come, the monster hunters. Did you catch the fearsome beast?

No need to be sarcastic, Deidre.

Did you see anything at all?

Dad thought he saw something. But then it went under.

Ah, it went under. Yet again.

Come on. The lassie's had a good day out.

Thomas, that's four weekends in a row I've been sitting here myself.

You could always come with us, you know.

Oh, aye, I'd love to, freezing in a boat on a Saturday afternoon searching for a monster that doesn't even exist.

Mom, what do you mean 'doesn't even exist'?

What your mother means is, 'possibly doesn't exist'. She just hasn't looked carefuly enough at the evidence.

No, Thomas. I've got all the evidence I need. Gina, could you go up to your room, please?

What for?

I want to have a word with your father, alone.

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